We’ve all been there. Someone we care about is grieving, and we want desperately to help, yet we freeze up. What do we say? What do we do? How can we possibly make this better?
The truth is, you can’t make it better. Yet you can absolutely make it worse, and unfortunately, many well-meaning people do exactly that without realizing it.
After years of speaking about grief and resilience, and having walked this difficult road myself, I’ve seen the same mistakes happen over and over again. The good news? They’re completely avoidable once you know what to look for.
The Biggest Mistake: Saying Something Is Better Than Saying Nothing
Let’s start with the most dangerous myth about grief support: that you must say something profound or meaningful. This pressure to find the “right words” leads to some of the most hurtful mistakes people make when trying to help someone who’s grieving.
Here’s the reality: there often aren’t any right words. Yet that doesn’t mean you should stay silent or disappear. The goal isn’t to cure their grief or make them feel better, it’s to let them know they’re not alone.
What NOT to Say: The Hall of Fame of Hurtful Phrases
“Everything happens for a reason”
This might be the most damaging phrase you can utter to someone who’s grieving. It suggests their loved one died for some cosmic purpose, which feels insulting and dismissive. When someone’s child dies, what possible reason could make that acceptable?
“They’re in a better place”
Even if this aligns with your religious beliefs, the person grieving wants their loved one here, with them. This phrase, while meant to comfort, often feels like you’re telling them they’re selfish for wanting their person back.
“I know exactly how you feel”
No, you don’t. Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. Your journey through loss, while valid, isn’t theirs.
“You need to be strong”
Strong for whom? This phrase puts pressure on the grieving person to perform strength for everyone else’s comfort, yet grief requires vulnerability, not strength.
“At least…” anything
“At least you had them for X years.” “At least they didn’t suffer.” “At least you have other children.” These phrases minimize their loss and suggest they should be grateful instead of sad.
“Time heals all wounds”
Time doesn’t heal grief: it changes it. This phrase suggests there’s an expiration date on their pain, which isn’t true or helpful.
The Vague Offer Trap
“Let me know if you need anything.”
Sound familiar? This is probably the most common thing people say to someone who’s grieving, yet it’s almost completely useless. Here’s why: when someone is in the depths of grief, they can barely think about what they need for the next hour, let alone identify what help they might need and then reach out to ask for it.
Instead, make specific offers:
- “I’m going to the grocery store Tuesday. Can I pick up anything for you?”
- “I’d like to drop off dinner Thursday around 6. Does that work?”
- “I’m available to drive the kids to school this week if that would help.”
The key is being specific and taking the burden of decision-making off their plate.
What TO Say Instead
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is the simplest:
“I’m so sorry for your loss”
Simple, heartfelt, and acknowledges their pain without trying to fix it.
“I’m thinking of you”
This lets them know they’re in your thoughts without requiring a response.
“I love you”
If it’s true and appropriate to your relationship, say it. Grieving people often feel broken and unlovable.
“Would you like to talk about them?”
Many people avoid mentioning the person who died, fearing it will make things worse. Yet grieving people want to talk about their loved ones: you’re giving them permission.
“I don’t know what to say, yet I wanted you to know I care”
Honesty about your own limitations while still showing up is incredibly powerful.
My Favorite, “I am outside your house with my laptop and phone for a couple of hours. I just want you to know I am close. I can come in and wash dishes, do laundry or visit, yet don’t worry if you want the space. Just want you to know I care about you.”
Its a strong showing of support and a message that you showed up.
Note: Do not be upset if they don’t respond as intended, we all do this different.
The Power of Presence Over Words
Here’s something most people don’t realize: your presence matters more than your words. When my daughter Alaina died, I remember the people who showed up more than what they said. The friend who sat with me in silence or stayed after others had gone. The stranger who bought me coffee without being asked. The friend who sent a text every few days that just said, “Thinking of you today.”
Physical presence can be even more important than words. Sitting beside someone in their grief, holding space for their pain without trying to fix it, is one of the most generous gifts you can offer.
The Follow-Through Factor
One of the biggest mistakes in grief support is the initial rush of help followed by radio silence. Right after a loss, people are overwhelmed with casseroles and condolences. Yet grief doesn’t end when the funeral is over: that’s often when the real work begins.
The people who made the biggest difference in my grief journey were the ones who showed up months later, when everyone else had moved on with their lives yet I was still struggling to get through each day.
Set reminders in your phone. Mark significant dates like birthdays and anniversaries of the loss. Continue reaching out, even if: especially if: you don’t hear back.
Practical Ways to Actually Help
Handle the logistics
Death comes with an overwhelming amount of paperwork and decisions. Offer to help with specific tasks: calling to cancel services, organizing meals, managing visitors, or handling phone calls. Those who stepped in for us were a God-send.
Remember the forgotten people
Everyone focuses on the spouse or parents, yet siblings, friends, and extended family grieve too. Don’t forget about them.
Support their other children
If they have other kids, those children are also grieving yet often get overlooked. Offer specific help: picking them up from school, taking them for ice cream, or just being a consistent presence.
Don’t disappear on holidays and anniversaries
These days are especially difficult. A simple text acknowledging the day can mean everything.
When You Don’t Know What to Do
If you’re genuinely unsure how to help, ask: “I want to support you, yet I’m not sure how. What would be most helpful right now?” This puts the power in their hands while showing you care. “Can I bring you dinner today?” Try doing the thinking of simple gestures.
Sometimes the answer will be “nothing right now,” and that’s okay. Sometimes it will be something specific you can do. Sometimes they won’t know either, and that’s also okay.
The Long Game of Grief Support
Supporting someone through grief isn’t a sprint: it’s a marathon. The most valuable support often comes months or even years after the loss, when the initial shock has worn off yet the reality of living without their loved one has set in.
Understanding how to support someone grieving isn’t just about avoiding the wrong words: it’s about showing up consistently, offering practical help, and remembering that grief doesn’t follow a timeline.
The goal isn’t to take their pain away or help them “get over it.” The goal is to remind them they’re not alone, that their loved one mattered, and that they matter too.
Your presence, your consistency, and your willingness to sit with someone in their darkest moments without trying to fix or rush them through it: that’s what real grief support looks like. And in a world that’s often uncomfortable with pain, that kind of authentic support is both rare and precious.
Check out my podcasts, contact information and other blogs at arikhousley.com.