“Let me know if you need anything.”
Most of us have said it. We say it because we care. We say it because we don’t know what else to say. The problem is…some people say it as an obligation and it doesn’t land with empathy.
Please understand, when someone is grieving, “anything” can be an impossible request to answer.
I remember the morning we were informed of Alaina’s murder, someone asked what we wanted to have in the fridge of the guest house they were putting us in. My response, “uh, I don’t know, bananas and water!” Were we there a week or a day. I couldn’t think. She kindly responded perfectly. “Don’t worry, I will just get plenty of food and snacks for you to have.” And she did.
Grief can make ordinary decisions feel overwhelming. Returning a text, making dinner, answering the phone, or asking for help may require more energy than a person has. So the burden unintentionally falls back on the grieving person: You tell me what you need. You organize the help. You decide what I can do.
After losing Alaina, I learned that grief changes the way you move through the world. The people who helped most were not always the ones with perfect words. They were the ones who showed up with patience, practical support, and a willingness to stay present.
If you want to support someone who is grieving, here are five things that often help more than offering “anything.”
1. Name a specific day and task
Instead of asking, “What can I do?” offer something concrete.
Try:
- “I’m free Tuesday evening. Can I come over and drop off dinner, then happy to stick around and help around the house if you can use it?”
- “I’m going to the grocery store tomorrow. Send me your list, or I’ll pick up a few basics.”
- “I can mow your lawn this weekend. Is Saturday morning okay?”
- “I’ll call you Thursday. You don’t have to answer, yet please know I am thinking of you and …(Insert lost loved ones name here).”
A specific offer gives the grieving person something easier than an open-ended decision. They can say yes, no, or suggest another time without having to create the plan themselves.
2. Bring a meal on a set date
Food is one of the simplest ways to care for someone, especially during the first days and weeks after a loss. Yet even “I’ll bring something sometime” can leave the details unresolved.
Choose a day and make it easy. “I’m bringing dinner Wednesday around 6:00. You don’t need to visit or host me. I’ll leave it at the door if that’s better.”
Consider bringing food that can be reheated, individual portions, snacks, or breakfast items. Grief does not follow a schedule, and the need for practical care may continue long after the funeral.
3. Handle one piece of logistics
Loss often creates a mountain of tasks: phone calls, paperwork, childcare, errands, appointments, household responsibilities, and arrangements. You may not be able to remove the grief, yet you can remove one burden from the day.
Offer to:
- Pick up prescriptions or groceries
- Drive them to an appointment
- Watch the children for an afternoon
- Walk the dog
- Help organize paperwork
- Make calls or keep a list of messages
- Coordinate visitors or meal deliveries
If you are close enough to help with sensitive responsibilities, ask clearly and respectfully: “Would it help if I sat with you while you go through the bills, or would you rather I handle the filing?”
We had been sent back her bedding. We didn’t want to throw it away, yet we didn’t know how to give it or dispose of it. A dear friend just sorted it for us and took a huge burden off our shoulders.
The goal is not to take control. It is to offer support while respecting their choices.
4. Say the loved one’s name and listen
Many people avoid mentioning the person who died because they are afraid of causing pain. Yet the pain is already there. Avoiding the name can make the grieving person feel as if everyone else has moved on, or forgotten.
Say the name. Share a memory. Ask what they miss.
You might say: “I was thinking about Alaina today. I remember how much energy and kindness she brought into a room.”
Then listen. You do not need to explain the loss, fix the feelings, or find a lesson. Grief support often means being willing to sit with what cannot be fixed. If they ask you not to use their name or a phrase, just apologize and accept it. Example a friend and I were speaking. I said, “I am so sorry to hear, what happened in the accident?” They responded, “It was not an accident!” So I politely responded with, “I apologize, I won’t refer to it as that again, what happened?” Then they proceeded to tell me. It’s respecting their space, we all do this different.
As HelpGuide explains, there is no single timetable or correct way to grieve. A person may want to talk one day and sit quietly the next. Let their needs guide the conversation. Know that your presence is remembered, you are not there to fix their pain, you are there to sit with them, while they feel it.
5. Keep showing up after the funeral
The first days bring visitors, calls, meals, flowers, and messages. Then the calendar moves forward. The world gets busy again. For the person grieving, however, the loss remains.
Keep checking in. You could send:
- “Thinking about you today. No need to respond.”
- “I know this week may be difficult. I’m here if you want to grab a coffee.”
- “Would you like to take a walk Saturday?”
- “I remember it’s Alaina’s birthday. I’m thinking of you and your family.”
Remember birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and other meaningful dates. A short message can remind someone that their loved one is still remembered and that they do not have to carry the day alone.
Grief is not something we simply get over. It is something we learn to carry, often with the help of others. My own work: through speaking about grief and resilience in the workplace, faith communities, and schools, comes from learning that presence matters.
You do not need perfect words. You do not need to make the grief disappear.
Start with one specific offer. Keep the promise. Remember the name.
That is often where real support begins.
Check out my podcasts, contact information and other blogs at arikhousley.com. Or you can get a copy of my bestselling book Always November: Lessons in Loss, Love and Resilience.