Dark Road of Why
Lessons in Loss, Love and Resilience
In a few weeks, I’ll be speaking at a national conference called The Compassionate Friends. Many attendees are still navigating their own journeys—whether through the loss of a spouse, parent, child, grandchild, or dear friend. One message I always try to convey is this: Don’t go down the dark road of “Why?”
Why did Alaina go to Borderline that night?
Why didn’t we encourage her to stay in?
Why did someone invite her?
Why did the shooter choose that night to take twelve lives?
Why did others make it out, but not Alaina?
These questions—heartbreaking as they are—have no real answers, at least not ones that can change the outcome or bring peace to the journey.
Alaina was a self-proclaimed nerd. She loved to read, binge-watch shows, and spend time with friends. She hadn’t gotten into the sorority or choir she’d hoped for, likely because she lacked formal training. But she had just made the debate team and been accepted into Pepperdine’s Florence program. She had done her homework, prepared for debate, and regularly attended a weekly convocation at a professor’s home. When her friends encouraged her to go dancing that night, she accepted the invitation. It was common to go to Borderline. Hannah and I encouraged her to go—and we have no regrets about that.
I’ve always loved the line Hannah shared early in our grief: Alaina was in the right place at the right time when evil walked in. She did nothing wrong by going. We did nothing wrong in encouraging her.
If I allowed myself to stay stuck in the endless loop of “Why?” it would drive me mad—and it wouldn’t change a thing.
We’re raised to believe in a linear life: grow up, be a good person, stay out of trouble, go to college, get a good job, get married, buy a house, have kids—and watch them do the same. But for many of us, that isn’t reality. To be honest, it was never a promise—it was a hope. And still, I feel incredibly blessed to have had Alaina in my life, no matter how brief that time was.
My book, Always November: Lessons in Loss, Love, and Resilience, is coming out soon, and I’m excited to announce new podcast guests are lining up. Each will offer a unique perspective on grief, loss, or resilience.