Communicating in Grief

Lessons in Loss, Love and Resilience

We’ve all been there, you see that person that just lost a loved one, lost a job, lost a pet. We don’t need to rank these or assume that these losses don’t have merit to bring some sort of grief or sadness. At the same time, how we communicate with/from others matters.

I’ve been that person wanting to say “the right thing” to someone losing the battle with cancer. I’ve been that guy that thought saying something after someone lost their loved one would be the “right thing to do”. I’ve also been that someone that said the exact wrong thing. Find empathy over sympathy.

Please understand, we are all doing this different. What I would want someone to say to me, is different than what David, Cindy or Jose might want to hear. I will say, this is not a perfect science and if you in your heart say something that is misinterpreted, just apologize. Here is a perfect example of what not to do…

I was walking in target not long after Alaina’s murder, and I saw someone I had known for years. They were walking with their cart straight toward me. When we made eye contact, they quickly glanced in another direction, dropped their head and turned their cart to avoid me. Talk about feeling like an outcast. I know it wasn’t intended to hurt, yet it did. I know they were caught off guard and sympathized with my loss, yet it’s okay to face those hard conversations.

For me, I don’t know why, but I don’t appreciate the phrase, “there are no words!” Smart-ass Arik feels, well then why did you even say that. Truly it is a pretty universal phrase that many appreciate and respect. It is hard, if you have faith and believe in God, many will have very kind things to say like…She is with him now. I accept and appreciate that, yet some that are either non-believers or currently angry with God, that doesn’t go well.

I appreciate when someone makes eye contact and smiles. I know they know, many times they put their hand on their heart. Nothing said, yet super powerful. That might not be everyone’s cup of tea.

Immediately, after the news came to us in November 2018, comments like… “What was she doing so far from campus at a bar?” I knew the person that said it loved us and loved her, but it took a lot to not lose my shit on that one.

Look there are many things to say or not say, and there is no perfect scenario because as I say, we all have a story and we all do this grief journey different. Recently, two friends have lost their jobs due to government cutbacks with the new administration. When they told me I used the phrase. “I am so sorry, I have no idea how you’re feeling, how are you right now?” I tend to focus on the present when people are dealing with major life change. “How are you?” Duh 🙄 I just lost my job idiot. Duh, I just lost my ________ (fill in the blank) . Yet “right now” focuses on the moment.

Take this all with a grain of salt, if you in your heart say something, just try your best to speak with empathy rather than sympathy.

Have you ever wanted to say something and it came out all wrong? Have you found the phrase that seems to work everytime for you? Share it please.