When my daughter Alaina died, I learned firsthand how workplace support can either become a lifeline or make an already impossible situation worse. As both someone who’s walked through devastating loss and now helps organizations navigate these difficult moments, I’ve seen the same mistakes repeated over and over.
Here’s the truth: most managers want to do right by their grieving employees. But good intentions aren’t enough when you don’t know what you’re doing. These seven mistakes might seem minor, but they can push a valuable team member toward the exit door: or worse, deeper into isolation and pain.
Mistake #1: The Isolating Silence Treatment
This is the big one. When someone on your team experiences a significant loss, your first instinct might be to give them space. You don’t want to say the wrong thing, so you say nothing at all.
I get it. Death makes people uncomfortable. But here’s what happens when you stay silent: your employee feels abandoned when they need support most. They start wondering if anyone cares, if their loss matters, if they even belong at your company anymore.
The Fix: Break the silence with something simple and genuine. You don’t need poetry. Try: “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I want you to know I’m thinking of you.” That’s it. The magic isn’t in perfect words: it’s in showing up. Ironically, less is more. Be careful with “she is in a better place” or phrases that might seem kind yet still too early for some to process. “I’m so sorry, if you’d like to go for a walk know I am here,” is a nice gesture.
One executive told me that after losing her father, only the company president acknowledged her loss. Everyone else pretended nothing happened. Guess who she still talks about with gratitude fifteen years later?
Mistake #2: Death by Vague Generalities
“Take all the time you need.” “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” “We’re here for you.”
These sound supportive, but they’re actually useless. When someone’s world just exploded, the last thing they can handle is figuring out how to ask for help or decode what you really mean.
The Fix: Get specific. Instead of “What can I do?” try “I’m having lunch delivered to your house Tuesday. What time works?” or “Would working from home three days a week help right now?” Give them concrete options, not homework assignments.
I remember being so mentally scattered after Alaina’s murder that someone asking “Let me know if there is anything I can do?” felt like another impossible test I was failing as I had no idea.
If outside the workplace try my favorite: “I am outside your house in my car, I have my phone and my laptop and will be here for a couple of hours. Don’t worry about me. If I can do the dishes, mow the lawn or walk the dog, I am happy to. If not, know I am near.”
Mistake #3: The Comparison Trap
“I know exactly how you feel: I lost my dad last year.” Stop. Right there. You don’t know exactly how they feel, and making their grief about your experience isn’t helpful: it’s an attempt to relate that usually falls on its face. I couldn’t even say to my wife, I know how you feel and we lost the same person. Grief is grief, no ratings or levels on intensity, yet we don’t know how others feel.
Every loss is different. Every relationship is unique. Every person grieves differently. When you jump to your own story, you’re essentially saying, “Enough about you, let me tell you about me.”
The Fix: Listen without comparing. Let them share about their person if they want to. Your job isn’t to relate: it’s to witness their experience. If they specifically ask about your loss, you can share briefly, then bring the focus back to them. If/when you do share try…”I know what it feels like to lose someone, yet I don’t know how you feel.”
Mistake #4: Playing the “I Know What’s Best” Game
Some managers assume they know what a grieving employee needs. Send them home. Keep them busy. Reduce their workload. All without asking.
But here’s the thing about grief: it doesn’t follow a playbook. Some people need to dive into work as a distraction. Others can barely function and need extended time off. Some want to be around people; others need solitude.
The Fix: Have an actual conversation. Ask directly: “What would be most helpful right now?” Then listen to their answer and work within your resources to make it happen. One size fits nobody when it comes to grief. Example: A friend recently lost her daughter tragically and her company that she was just starting at said, take 6 months and then when you’re ready we will start. That is a horribly well intended mistake. This person doesn’t need 6 months of isolation. Instead offer the following: “My door is open as is my phone line. Take the time you need, even up to 6 months, yet when you’re ready, we would love to have you with us.”
Mistake #5: The “Leave Your Personal Life at Home” Fantasy
This outdated thinking needs to die. Grief doesn’t punch a time clock. It doesn’t respect your office hours or quarterly goals. Brain fog, memory problems, reduced concentration, emotional overwhelm: these are normal grief symptoms that absolutely impact work performance.
When managers get frustrated with decreased productivity or expect someone to “snap back” quickly, they’re living in denial about how grief actually works.
The Fix: Understand that grief is unpredictable and will affect work performance temporarily. Be patient. Offer flexibility where possible. Maybe that means shorter days, working from home, or temporarily redistributing some responsibilities. This isn’t enabling: it’s being human.
I’ve seen employees leave companies not because of their grief, but because of how their grief was handled by management. Try to be empathetic, rather than sympathetic.
Mistake #6: Broadcasting Their Business Without Permission
You find out an employee lost their spouse, so you send a company-wide email explaining their situation and asking for support. Seems thoughtful, right? Wrong.
You just took away their control over their own story. Maybe they weren’t ready to talk about it. Maybe they wanted to share the news themselves. Maybe they prefer privacy.
The Fix: Always check first. Ask what information they’re comfortable sharing and with whom. Let them control their narrative. Some people want the whole company to know so they don’t have to explain repeatedly. Others want to tell people individually or keep it completely private.
Respect their boundaries, not your assumptions about what would help.
Mistake #7: The “We Don’t Mention the Dead” Rule
Many managers avoid bringing up the person who died, thinking it’s more professional or less painful. But most grieving people want to talk about their loved one. They want their person remembered and acknowledged.
By never mentioning them, you’re not being respectful: you’re making the loss feel shameful or taboo.
The Fix: It’s okay to mention their person by name. “How are you doing since losing Sarah?” or “Tell me about your dad: what would he think of this project?” These aren’t inappropriate questions if asked with genuine care. Yet this is only for the person that wants their loved one in discussion. I prefer, “tell me something about your dad that makes you smile or laugh.”
Let them talk about their person if they want to. Don’t change the subject when they bring up memories. Their loved one was important to them, so they should be important to you too.
The Bottom Line
Supporting a grieving employee isn’t about having all the answers or saying perfect things. It’s about showing up consistently, asking what they need instead of assuming, and creating space for their grief instead of trying to rush them through it.
These aren’t just nice-to-have soft skills. Companies that handle grief well keep valuable employees, build stronger teams, and create cultures where people feel genuinely cared for. Companies that handle it poorly lose talent, damage trust, and send a clear message about their values.
Your employee didn’t choose to grieve at work. But you get to choose how you’ll support them through it. Make it count.
If you’re looking for more specific guidance on creating grief-friendly workplace policies or training your management team on these principles, let’s talk. Because nobody should have to choose between processing their loss and keeping their job.
Check out my site arikhousley.com or my youtube channel by my name for podcasts with others on their grief journeys.