Let’s be real for a second: nobody likes to talk about death at the office. It’s heavy, it’s messy, and it doesn’t exactly fit into a neat little spreadsheet. When an employee experiences a profound loss, the typical corporate instinct is to “handle it” through HR and move back to the quarterly goals as quickly as possible.
I’ve been there: on both sides of the desk. I know that as a leader, you want to be supportive, yet you’re also scared of saying the wrong thing or letting the team’s productivity tank. The problem is, when we prioritize “the work” over “the person,” we don’t just lose productivity; we lose the heart of our company culture. I made plenty of the “wrong” comments unintentionally prior to losing my daughter. I had no idea what to say and I was trying to think of the business simultaneously.
If you want to transform pain into purpose within your organization, you have to stop making these three common mistakes.
1. The “Business as Usual” Approach
The most frequent mistake is expecting a grieving employee to bounce back the moment they sit down at their desk. We often think that “keeping them busy” is a favor, providing a distraction from their pain. We want things to get back to normal, yet for that employee, “normal” has been permanently deleted. At the same time, we don’t assume they need X amount of time either. We all do this different.
The Fix: Lead with Empathy and Flexibility
Instead of wondering when they’ll be “at 100%,” start by asking what they can realistically handle today. Provide a “grace period” where expectations are adjusted. Can they work from home? Can their deadlines be pushed? True leadership is recognizing that a human being is hurting and adjusting the sails to keep the ship afloat without throwing them overboard. Think to use the phrase, “what can I/we do to support you? Lessen the work load in someway that is more difficult?”
2. The Silent Treatment
Because grief is uncomfortable, many leaders choose the path of least resistance: silence. I call this the divide between privacy and isolation. You might tell yourself you’re “giving them space” or that you “don’t want to remind them of it.” Trust me, they haven’t forgotten. When you say nothing, it feels like their loss doesn’t matter, or worse, that they don’t matter. They feel isolated, not like your giving them privacy.
The Fix: Open the Lines of Communication
It’s okay if it’s awkward. In fact, lean into the awkwardness. A simple, “I don’t even know what to say, but I want you to know I’m here for you,” is infinitely better than cold silence. Check in periodically: not just in the first week, yet in the months that follow. At Arik Housley Speaking, I believe that acknowledging the pain is the first step toward finding a new purpose. Be willing to sit with them in that pain, even just for a moment.
3. One-Size-Fits-All Policies
Most companies have a bereavement policy that offers three to five days for an immediate family member. It’s a nice start, yet grief doesn’t follow a calendar. Treating every loss the same: or assuming everyone grieves on the same timeline: is a recipe for burnout and resentment.
The Fix: Create a Culture of Person Over Process
Stop looking at the handbook and start looking at the human. Some people need to dive back into work to feel grounded; others might need weeks of part-time hours to process their new reality. By tailoring your support to the individual, you build a level of loyalty and trust that a standard HR policy could never buy. You are showing them that they are a valued member of the family, not just a cog in the machine.
I’ve spoken to many that said, they’d be willing to go unpaid for a short period just to have the time to grieve. Take each person as a human being that is grieving and support as best as you can.
Moving Forward
Workplace grief support isn’t about having all the answers; it’s about being brave enough to sit in the questions with your team. When we stop avoiding the hard stuff, we create a workplace where people feel safe, seen, and supported.
Let’s start choosing the person over the process. Every single time.
Check out my podcasts, contact information and other blogs at arikhousley.com. Or you can get a copy of my bestselling book Always November: Lessons in Loss, Love and Resilience.