Losing someone you love can make the world feel like it has stopped.
The routines that once felt ordinary can suddenly feel impossible. A familiar song can bring you to your knees. A birthday, a favorite meal, or an empty chair can remind you that life has changed in ways you never wanted and never imagined.
Yet losing someone does not mean you have to surrender your life.
After Alaina was taken from me in a mass shooting, I had to learn the difference between living without her and living for her.
I will always miss her. That will never change. Yet neither will the love I carry for her.
Grief changes the relationship, not the love
When someone dies, the relationship does not simply disappear. The way you experience that relationship changes.
You may no longer be able to call them, sit beside them, or hear their voice in the next room. Still, they remain part of your story. Their influence can live in your memories, your values, your decisions, and the way you treat other people.
This is sometimes called a “continuing bond.” The American Psychological Association describes a continuing bond as the emotional attachment a grieving person maintains with someone who has died.
For me, Alaina is part of the way I see the world, the way I love people, and the way I choose to show up. I carry her with me: in my heart, in my memories, and in the purpose I find each day.
Carrying her forward does not mean pretending the loss did not happen. It means allowing love to remain part of what happens next.
Living for them does not mean losing yourself
After a loss, you may wonder what it means to honor the person who is gone. You may feel pressure to do something extraordinary, start a foundation, change the world, or make every decision in their name.
Sometimes purpose does take a large form. Other times, it looks much quieter.
It may mean being more patient with your children. Calling a friend who is struggling. Saying “I love you” before the moment passes. Making time for a meal, a walk, or a conversation instead of assuming there will always be another opportunity.
Living for someone you have lost does not mean abandoning your own needs. It does not mean you are required to be strong every day. It does not mean you cannot rest, laugh, or enjoy something without feeling guilty.
It means asking, “How can the love we shared continue to shape the way I live?”
The answer will be different for everyone. For one person, it may be volunteering. For another, it may be returning to a creative passion, caring for family, or simply choosing to get out of bed on a difficult morning.
Purpose can grow from pain
Grief is not a problem we solve. It is something we learn to carry.
Some days, carrying it may feel almost impossible. Other days, you may notice a small moment of hope: a genuine laugh, a meaningful conversation, or the quiet comfort of a good memory.
Those moments do not lessen the loss. They show that grief and joy can exist together.
Grief may change us, yet it does not have to be the end of our story. Pain can become compassion. Loss can deepen our attention to the people still around us. Tragedy can awaken a desire to make a difference, even when we would give anything to undo what happened.
That does not make the tragedy worthwhile. Nothing can make losing someone we love acceptable. Still, we can choose what we do with the life that remains.
For me, speaking about Alaina is one way I carry her forward. Through stories and conversations about finding resilience after tragedy, grief, and hope, I try to help people value each moment and show up for one another with more empathy.
We all do this different. Other people I have seen passing out buttons or papers with facts about their loved ones. I understand the intent to suggest not to forget them, yet for me…If I did not know Kyle, now knowing his favorite food was apple pie and he loved the Dallas Cowboys won’t make his memory live. I have none and will have none. You on the other hand, have some unbelievable memories. Carry them! Embrace them!
Keep living. Keep loving. Keep remembering.
We can keep laughing. Keep loving. Keep making memories. Keep becoming the people our loved ones would want us to be.
That is not forgetting them.
That is carrying them forward.
A father that lost his daughter to Cancer told me, “I won’t be happy or positive for at least two years. I should’ve fought harder for her, I don’t want her to feel like it’s okay that she died.” WOW, I respect his journey, yet I 100% do not believe his daughter would want him to put himself through that much additional torture. He already lost her in body, not in spirit.
You might honor someone through an annual tradition, a favorite recipe, a memorial garden, a charitable gift, or the simple decision to tell their stories. You might say their name when others are afraid to bring them up. You might listen to someone else who is grieving because you understand how much it matters to have someone stay.
If you are supporting a grieving person, you do not need to fix their pain. You do not need to offer perfect words. Often, the most meaningful thing you can do is listen, remember the person who died, and continue showing up after the flowers and meals have stopped.
The National Institute on Aging offers practical guidance for coping with grief and loss, including the importance of connection, self-care, and seeking help when grief becomes overwhelming.
Taking them with you
So today, I am choosing to live fully: not because I am leaving Alaina behind, yet because I am taking her with me.
I take her with me when I choose kindness. When I slow down and pay attention. When I make space for someone else’s pain. When I laugh at a memory and allow myself to feel grateful that I had her at all.
If you have lost someone, you do not have to live as if they no longer matter. You do not have to erase the love in order to move forward.
Let their memory remind you to value each moment. Let their love guide how you care for others. Let the life you continue to live become part of the legacy of the love you shared.
You are not leaving them behind.
You are carrying them forward.
Check out my podcasts, contact information and other blogs at arikhousley.com. Or you can get a copy of my bestselling book Always November: Lessons in Loss, Love and Resilience.